Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
thank god
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Received some very disappointing news today
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along