itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’m not lazy
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW