the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.