[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
listen closely
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.