listen closely
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school