Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?