Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font