Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.