Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My dryer is celebrating lint.