My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that