Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT