Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.


Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!


Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise


I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch


[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading


It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again


I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”


95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.


Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree