@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

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@Cheeseboy22

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

@Cycloptomese

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

@stuzario

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

@niilamyaamia

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

@ArfMeasures

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

@OfficeofSteve

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

@YoungFunE

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

@davepell

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree