Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Mood.. 😂
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.