My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.