@BipolarBearDick

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

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@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

@stevevsninjas

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@JimmerThatisAll

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

@BrettDruck

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

@_tomcashman

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

@notacroc

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

@JanineEB4

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

@SpenceDen

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE