Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Groom: I do.
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.