Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it