Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.