[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.