A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Finally!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog