When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
You Might Also Like
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*