[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I was bored.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
That was easy.