I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me