Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Breaking news:
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.