Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
New Tinder profile.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.