(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool