Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!