Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin