everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Growing out my freckles.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?