Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
every college guy’s fridge
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.