Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
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Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.