I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Solving a traffic jam
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
How high do the levels go?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.