6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.