6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.