I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
You Might Also Like
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.