Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
At least he brought enough for everyone
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?