Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.