[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.