The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.