despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”