I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.