@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

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@mrgracemugabe

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@abhorrent_wife

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

@RachelMComedy

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

@daraobriain

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

@MedusaOusa

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

@coolbutgood

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday