If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.