“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You Might Also Like
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.