Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
When I grow up, I want to be 16
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.