@better_off_dad2

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

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@aprilinkc

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

@PieChord

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

@GrantTanaka

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

@david8hughes

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

@stevevsninjas

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

@jifrulz

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

@trevso_electric

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

@MelvinofYork

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

@ChefRonSullivan

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@mommy_cusses

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.