Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
some Old Testament wisdom
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.