Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

channeling her this year

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

yeah not falling for this one

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.