@better_off_dad2

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

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@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@jlock17

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

@Dawn_M_

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

@liljonlovitz

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

@MarfSalvador

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

@schumoo

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate