Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!


Me:Did you feel–anything?

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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.


A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.


I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.


Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then


Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*


Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.


If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”


My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.


Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month


My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.