Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.