My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Succinctly put.
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*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”