How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
doing some research
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.