chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year