Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair