I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days