spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
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I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I think about this a lot
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.