Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes